Baby Playsets Are Insane

A Post By: Michael Gallo

While shopping for a gift for my one year old niece at a store that specialized in baby merchandise, I discovered an alarming fact; baby toy companies are preparing young children for an American culture that’s addicted to its own prison system, institutionalized racism, and the daring thrills of escaping from said penal system. I stood in shock and awe at the insane toys and playthings that Babys ‘R’ Us suggested for my young loved one. Take for instance this horrid example of what can only be described as a racism and genocide prep for kids:

Baby Teepee
“Comes with smallpox!”

Who thought this was a good idea? First off, “made with durable wood poles”? For what reason? So a child can really live in it outside? But what about the fact that this is clearly some sort of excuse to get kids pumped about the routine genocide of indigenous people that we employed to barbarically claim land that wasn’t ours? “Your child can kill large groups of their friends, take their land and toys, and then force the survivors to live in small, run down communities and open kid casinos!”

Child: Mom, Dad, do Indians still live in teepees?

Parents: Well first, it’s indigenous people, not Indians. And no, they live in abject poverty and despair, taking part in a broken cyclical hellscape that we put them in. But shut up and eat your Bison burger.

Next, Your Kid’s First Stint in the Big House!

“I love captivity” – confused kid who may grow up with deep rooted issues.

Your kid will laugh and giggle uncontrollably with joy as he’s locked up for a non-dangerous crime, perhaps indefinitely! Depending on his race, he’ll either potentially die in police custody or wait months to be charged with an actual crime. Watch as kid guards segregate your kid and his friends by race and made up threat level! He’ll learn the value of standing up for himself and dental hygiene when he sharpens a toothbrush handle to a point and stabs the snitch that lied about who knocked Big Starr unconscious with a padlock in a sock.

But for real: Luxury townhouse? What’s luxury about this? How does this not look like a jail cell? And how did this company not look at this photo, which they knew would be on the front of every 4-foot box, and think “wait…all the kids of color are locked up, other ethnic kids are frantically escaping, all while being watched by a smug looking, older white woman?”

Call me crazy, but I probably would have ordered a reshoot!

Lastly, we have the best one:

Baby’s First El Chapo Tunnel

It’s time for your baby’s nap. But where is he? Hold the phone, why is there a hole in the floor over by his toy basket?

That’s right, your kid just escaped through an intricate tunnel system he built with the help of the Playhut El Chapo Baby tunnel. Now he’s on the lam, living off of scavenged Gerber’s baby food.

“It took me 10 months to chip away at the rock for this tunnel. I’ve only been alive for 12!”

Playhut is more than happy to teach your kid to escape problems, and to not face his prison time like a “big boy”.
When you follow the tunnel you find it leads to half constructed house next door. With evidence that he escaped on motorcycle.

Frightened Mother: He can’t walk, but he drove off on a motorcycle??

Or better yet, what happens when your kid is gone and you notice that Wiggles poster on the wall for the first time. “Dammit!” you yell as you throw a toy at the poster. But wait…it went through the poster. When you peel it off you find the Baby El Chapo Tunnel inserted into the wall, leading to your house’s pipes. Next, you find out your kid alerted the authorities about your wrongdoing and criminal financial activity.

What happened to old-fashioned teddy bears and bath toys?

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