Mother of the Year Serves Cocaine Breast Milk

Two TV reporters are being charged with child abuse after their baby tested positive for cocaine. And as is often the case with news stories about parents making mistakes with their children, people are rushing to judgment and calling for the death of both parents.

Two candidates for the "Parent of the Year" award.
Two candidates for the “Parent of the Year” award.

But maybe we shouldn’t be so quick to judge. First, this quote:

According to Tucson News Now, the couple admitted to police that they snorted cocaine at their house party on May 14. Krystin Lisaius claims she breastfed 12 hours later and did not think it would have any effect on the child.

Everyone’s been in this situation; you and your significant other have a few friends over for a wine tasting, you knock out a few bottles, switch to hard liquor, someone brings out cocaine (we all have that friend), you start bumping snow off your glass living room table, the music gets louder, you go on a bender, never go to sleep and then 12 hours later you try and breast feed your baby. We’ve all been there, so why are we judging this poor couple so harshly?

The couple is from Arizona, where they serve cocaine with your meal instead of chips and salsa. And look at them! Do you expect people that look like that to NOT consume cocaine and accidentally transfer it to the baby via breast milk? Also, why are people all of a sudden breast milk experts? Like every Joe Schmoe off the street knows that if the mother consumes something and then breast feeds it’s going to get into the baby’s system. Please, this isn’t a science.

I think we may be missing some alternate possibilities in this case. For instance, consider one of the following scenarios:

  1. People aren’t willing to accept the fact that this baby is out partying hard after day care, snorting yayo and day trading until his parents come home. This would actually make the parents semi-heroic. Nothing quite speaks to the power of motherhood like taking the fall for your coke-addicted, Wall Street baby.
  2. Someone spiked the baby with cocaine. I’ve heard of this happening. Parents get into fights with other parents, other couple seeks revenge, couple spikes baby with illicit drugs knowing it will fail a drug test, and get the baby taken away by child services.
  3. The baby is a drug mule for a cartel. Maybe the baby isn’t using, he’s just carrying across the Arizona border for any number of Mexican drug cartels?
  4. The baby deals and dabbled just this one.
  5. The baby took the fall for its parents.
  6. Lastly, the mother really is going for parent of the year here and snorted cocaine at a party and was dumb enough to breast feed her baby only 12 hours later not knowing biology on even the most basic of levels.

In a time when people are so quick to crucify the parents involved in the alligator and gorilla stories, it’s refreshing to find two people that are just authentically shitty parents.

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