The Barnyard Lampoon’s Tips for Healthy Living

A Post By: George Sm’elliot

Whether you’ve been waking up in a dumpster too many times lately, or just treating your body like it is one, then you may be ready to start living a healthier lifestyle. But how? It can be hard to decipher all the latest science on health and fitness, especially when your head is spinning from one too many Four Locos, so let the Barnyard Lampoon be your guide on the pathway to good living. Just follow these four easy tips:

  1. Build strength through competition. You don’t have to quit going to bars to get buff. On the contrary, your local tavern can double as your training ground. We recommend wearing muscle shirts whenever you go out and challenge strangers to arm wrestle you. This is a great way to tone your biceps, triceps, and forearms. If you want to add some cardio to the mix, find the largest man at the bar, make it interesting by putting the entire bar’s tab on the line, then run as far and as fast as you can if you lose.
  2. Only Chug Low Sodium Soy Sauce. What’s a Saturday night without a soy race? We know there’s no feeling like beating your buds to the bottom of a bottle of Kikkoman’s Finest, but you can still get that salty buzz when you choose reduced sodium. You put your heart through enough, so if you live a high octane lifestyle, choose low sodium options.
Give your heart a break.
Give your heart a break.
  1. Floss Daily. Yes, the doubters and the haters are touting that hyped up story — probably funded by the dental industry to get more people to go in for tooth extractions — that said flossing isn’t necessary. Don’t believe them. Just try flossing for a few nights, and take note of the gunk you extract from your mouth. Think of a dog tearing through a rabbits nest for an image of the flowing blood and debris that’ll be coming out of your mouth when you first try it (especially if you like chicken wings like we at the BL do). Then tell us there’s no reason to floss.
  1. Wear a CPAP at night. If you don’t wake up refreshed every morning, you may have a drinking problem. But why fix that when you can try an easier solution, which is to get yourself a CPAP. These machines, which force air down your throat as you sleep, have several benefits. They make you look like a total boss at night, they’re a great defense against dutch ovens, and if you don’t clean them, they’re a perfect way to build up your immune systems.
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