U.S. Government to Rent Out Empty White House


After President Donald Trump’s third straight weekend visit to his Mar-A-Lago estate, AKA the Winter White House, taxpayers and government officials are beginning to worry about the exploding bill for security. The Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Department claims it costs almost $60,000 a day in police overtime to protect the President, with his three most recent trips costing around a half-million dollars in security costs alone. Between President Trump’s frequent golf trips, and the fact that Melania and their son Barron live in NYC during the week, taxpayers and local police are footing a bill for millions of dollars to protect him. So how will the federal government step up to cover some of that cost?

In a surprising move, they’ve decided to rent out the empty White House on the weekends. Without an actual president inside doing actual, meaningful presidential things, the White House staff and U.S. government are free to schedule outside groups and events to make back some of the lost money and to make the White House feel less “wasted.” Here’s what you can expect:

Weddings: In November, America said “I do” with Trump and it’s been one nightmarish hellscape since. While he’s off golfing with Japanese diplomats and hitting on his daughter, why not have happy couples tie the knot in the oval office? Guests will love the photo booth where they can snap a picture with crazy props like the nuclear codes or the shell-of-a-man who used to be known as Paul Ryan.

Bar Mitzvahs: The White House has long been a place where boys become men, but now it will be spiritually official as local Jewish teenagers use the empty White House to host their Bar Mitzvahs and subsequent parties. The Jewish grandmothers will love being able to use the White House China with the Presidential Seal on it, but guests will have to be careful not to run into any Trump staff that stayed behind. Bannon or Conway, who take to aimlessly roaming the halls in the absence of Trump may remind their Jewish guests that the Holocaust ALSO included OTHER people who ALSO suffered.

Local conferences/company retreats: In the hallowed halls of the White House many a man has made monumental and world-altering decisions. That won’t change when a local CEO decides to fire Mark while sipping a single malt in a wingback chair. “It doesn’t matter that Mark has kids or has been with the company for 15 years. I have to be thinking about the FUTURE of Wham! Bam! Instant Online Auto Insurance LLC!”

Quinceaneras: Now, I may not have this 100% correct, but when a girl turns 15-years-old she’s technically considered a woman in Latina culture. Or something like that. So D.C. Hispanics will have a ball hosting the elegant and extravagant coming-of-age parties in the White House, before a federal force rounds them all up and sends them back to a country they’ve possibly never been to.

Local high school proms: It all comes down to this. You shaved “PROM?” onto the side of some farmer’s llama and Rachel said “yes” albeit reluctantly because the llama suffered a massive heart attack and died on her driveway. But you’re here now, in the WHITE HOUSE with Rachel. You’ve made 31 snapchat stories, and geo-tagged yourself on 11 different forms of social media. Why is your prom at the White House? Where’s the president? Does he not, like, work on the weekends? It doesn’t matter. Rachel is life. Life is Rachel. Does that farmer know his llama is dead? Rachel.

Children’s birthday parties: Children will love hitting a pinata in the shape of a Muslim, and playing mini golf on the White House lawn. Wait, is that Donald Jr. dressed as a clown? SCORE! The youngsters will enjoy pony rides around the White House grounds, though we should mention that the children are encouraged to NOT deface the invaluable presidential portraits that hang in the hallways.

To be honest, all of these options sound better than having Trump around.


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