The Barnyard Lampoon Reviews Windex

A Post By: Michael Gallo

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For clean mirrors and windows, America and other, lesser countries have been trusting Windex cleaning solution since 1933. While the rest of America was experiencing a crippling depression, S.C. Johnson said, “hey sorry you’re unemployed, but why not have clean windows while you’re at home trying not to cry in front of your wife?”

In its 1933 iteration, Windex was so noxious and flammable that it had to be sold in a metal can. It was also almost 100% solvent, meaning it could dissolve other substances. So if you didn’t explode while cleaning your bathroom and smoking a cigarette, then you were breathing in a chemical that was slowly melting your lungs.

At some point (theoretically when they made it less of a hazardous material), Windex introduced a clear bottle and the product itself took on its trademark blue color. Few people were aware of the fact that Windex’s unnatural blue color came from the crushed toenails of Andean aborigines, who are sometimes tinted blue because of the incredibly high altitude of their native lands. The company has since come clean about their use of Andean Peoples’ toenails and switched to using radioactive rat feces from Fukushima, Japan.

Windex purists will know that the product was reformulated in 2006, and frankly, hasn’t been the same since. But it’s still a staple in that weird bucket every family has with a conglomerate of cleaning materials in it, and so we here at the BL thought it would be a good idea to break it down a from a statistical standpoint and answer a few long-standing Windex questions.

Q: Will it still explode? A: Yes

Consumers should be aware of the fact that if a bottle of Windex is strapped to an explosive of any variety, it will explode. While less flammable than the 1933 version, today’s Windex users should avoid cleaning mirrors or windows in or around hobo trash can fires.

Q: Is it good for ritualistic sacrifice? A: Depends

It’s a lot better for cleaning up, when the altar of the almighty gods must be cleansed of the blood of the innocents, lest the the harvest be soiled by the greed of mortals. Now, this is where people get confused: for ritualistic sacrifice, you can do better. For ritualistic suicide, you can STILL do better, by using a samurai sword after you violate the samurai bushido honor code.

Crime scene cleanability: 8/10

Murder enthusiasts will be the first to tell you that bleach is the go-to crime scene cleaning product, but don’t let Shifty Phil tell you otherwise: luminol, a product used by police departments to detect cleaned-up blood, will find the crime scene if you do anything short of taking out your house’s hardwood. So keep that in mind. And if you happen to be incarcerated with Shifty Phil, tell him I say hi. And that the care package should get there anytime between now and Thursday.

Q: Does it remove white privilege? A: Inconclusive

I’m fairly certain that as a white person, I can not address matters of white privilege, let alone go about explaining how to get rid of it. To do so would be whitesplaining, but I will say this: when I was once confronted about my white privilege, and I produced a bottle of Windex from a sizeable fanny pack, the individuals who were calling my white privilege into question were at once confused and silent. In this powerful moment, men of many races stood slack-jawed with surprise as I cleaned a nearby storefront window, in the process producing a streak-free shine that was the envy of both that street and the greater metropolitan area. Was it Windex that brought us together, and for that moment made all of us forget about the tumultuous racial history of these United States? No. It wasn’t. Also I was on Peyote.

Taste: 6/10

Hardcore alcoholics will be dismayed to learn that you can’t get drunk off of Windex. Sorry, you’ll have to stick with toilet wine in prison or hand sanitizer when you’re stuck in the hospital after breaking your femur on a bender. But people who choose to drink it anyway will be pleased to discover some interesting flavor notes. A sort of acidic assault on your taste buds will quickly give way to what can only be described as notes of vanilla and wet paper. An aftertaste of brake lubricant will remind you that you just ingested a highly toxic substance, but you’ll be impressed with Windex’s finish as you reach for the bottle to read the “in case of accidental ingestion” instructions (life hack: take six horse laxatives and chug a yellow gatorade).

Actual cleaning power: 5/10

With a glut of cleaning products on the market, white people with enough goddamn time on their hands that they actually clean will know that there are better products out there. Products that clean better, are better for your family’s health and the environment, and never used crushed toenails. To get the best bang for your buck, I suggest a product called “Spriklzez” a Soviet-era cleaning agent that was also used in chemical weapons. Just don’t use it if your house has walls.

I think I speak for everyone here when I say Windex will always be in our bathroom closet, and in our hearts.

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