A-Rod’s Bizarre Reproductive Health List

By: Michael Gallo

Alex Rodriguez is a perplexing individual. As a player he made odd decisions, like refusing to produce any sort of offense or defense near the end of his career. After the New York Yankees essentially forced him to retire from the game of baseball, he took up a position as an analyst at Fox Sports where he almost immediately destroyed an expensive television screen on air, and has continued his trajectory as an enigmatic man-child. Just tonight he had this powerful quote during the Royals vs. Yankees game:

“He’s a tremendous tool.” – Alex Rodriguez.

I’m fairly positive he meant to say something else, but he didn’t, he said that. And so you may be surprised to learn that Fox Sports actually supports putting this moron into a broadcasting booth and tries to publicize his appearances with Twitter photos that are supposed to make the cigar-smoking womanizer look like he’s preparing notes before the game. Take this photo for instance:

There’s A-Rod taking some notes about what we’ll see from tonight’s pitching matchup, and how each offense will fare against the respective pitcher. But wait a minute, that’s not actually what’s in A-Rod’s notebook. If you take a closer look, you’ll see a few bizarre notes in a rather feminine scrawl.

Ignoring A-Rod’s wasteful page usage, you’ll notice a note that’s clearly posed as a question, followed by a date, January 31st, with a list below that. The list reads as follows:

Child:

-Birth Control

-Baby

-Pull Out Stuff

What could this list possibly mean? Is A-Rod attempting to figure out how reproduction works before the start of the Yankees game? Did someone confuse him by talking about a child and birth control in the same sentence? Does A-Rod really refer to pulling out as “pull out stuff?”

We here at Barnyard Lampoon may have some breaking news: January is nine months from now. Did A-Rod knock someone up? If he did, why did he write birth control?

Maybe it went like this:

-A-Rod found out that someone he’s intimately involved with is pregnant.

-He thinks about this woman and remembers she’s on birth control. A-Rod isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, but he remembers that birth control is supposed to prevent a woman from getting pregnant.

-He writes down the obvious reality of the situation to remind himself of what he’s currently dealing with (baby).

-Still confused, and perhaps in denial, A-Rod vows to change course next time and not rely on more effective measures like birth control, and decides instead to focus on preventative measures like “pull out stuff.”

OR…

Conspiracy theory: instead of a failed form of birth control, A-Rod is actually making a to-do list and is reminding himself to “pull out stuff” meaning get the old baby clothes out of storage for the new baby (A-Rod is a father to two young girls). Maybe J-Lo and A-Rod are adopting a baby and it gets here January 31st?

I wish I had more answers for you, but unfortunately the enigmatic A-Rod continues to produce more questions than answers. I guess we’ll have to wait until January 31st to see what happens.

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