By Michael Gallo
Do you like cooking competition shows? Are you enthralled by America’s Prison-industrial complex? Then you’ll love Kitchen Konvicts, coming to NBC’s Tuesday night lineup this fall! We found 30 inmates who were allowed to work in their prison’s kitchen due to good behavior and gave them a chance to compete for their freedom against some of the world’s best chefs. The action will heat up as they face off in a number of challenges to find out who reigns supreme and who can claim ultimate culinary glory.
Each week these 30 cooks will have to overcome high-pressure stakes to take their cuisine to the next level, which won’t be too difficult seeing as they learned to cook with microwaves and flaming rolls of toilet paper. With nothing but time on their hands, prison cooks have plenty of opportunities to develop unique and personal dishes, despite some tricky federal regulations that prevent most prisoners from getting the necessary nutrients in their diet by blocking access to basic ingredients. Now they’ll take those dishes to the Gulag where one hour against the world’s best will determine their fate. Can they chop, slice, dice, and filet their way to a free life?
Trips to the Gulag will feature a culinary face off between a professional chef and kitchen konvict, where both contestants will be given 30 minutes to complete a dish. Once the cooking is done, both chefs and prisoners are forced to “walk the yard” while judges determine the winner. Walking the yard is a great opportunity steady your nerves with a few pull-ups or bench press sets, or to stab your competition with a sharpened toothbrush handle. Trying to survive on the yard is hard, but it’s easier than trying to master prison cuisine. This season, contestants will try their hand at toilet wine, meat bread, ramen, pies, Oranj Drank, and prison sushi.
You may think it’s a bad idea to give knives and fire to hardened criminals and felons and you’re right. Seven professional chefs died from stab wounds while shooting this show, and NBC suffered over 1.2 billion dollars in property damage after prisoners set fire to studio 4F during a rooftop hostage situation.
“Out of respect for the families of the chefs we lost, we will not comment right now on the details of any alleged riots or other supposed violent disturbances, other than to confirm that we did in fact lose seven chefs while filming. However, it is important to acknowledge the circumstances in which those chefs were lost.” – NBC lawyers.
We fixed those “circumstances” by giving both prisoners and chefs a padlock in a tube sock to settle differences and knock
attackers unconscious (if their 5-Alarm Chili doesn’t first!).
This fall contestants will be sent packing.
Prisoners will cook pies out of graham crackers and melted jolly ranchers.
More chefs WILL BE shanked.
But in the end, there will only be one winner.
There will be only ONE ultimate Kitchen Konvict.