By Michael Gallo
On Friday morning the much-maligned White House press secretary, Sean Spicer, said “peace, I’m out” and resigned from the position that has brought him so much pain, torment, and internet notoriety. By all accounts he resigned over the hiring of New York financier Anthony Scaramucci as communications director. Which, all things considered, isn’t really a crazy thing to get upset about.
Throughout his short career as president, Donald Trump has shown a propensity for appointing people who have no business filling the role they were appointed to, which is an interesting way to run anything, especially the United States government. Scaramucci founded the global investment firm SkyBridge Capital, which sounds like the financial branch of the robots in the Terminator series. And while he doesn’t really have any experience as a communications director, he’s known to vehemently defend Trump which, to Trump, trumps actual experience.
And so what was Spicey to do? He told his boss the hiring was a bad idea, but when he was ignored because he’s balding and portly, he was left with no other course of action. He resigned from his prestigious post and accepted a life of not being ridiculed online, and not having to lie for a cretinous authoritarian narcissist.
But what is he going to do with this newfound freedom? Here are a few possibilities:
Become a communications director for a hot new startup
There’s a lot of money in Silicon Valley and the tech industry, and Spicey is looking for a payday. Maybe he’ll do press releases and on-camera interviews for the app Air-Hammr which is the Uber of mobile livestock slaughtering. Or maybe he’ll help with marketing initiatives for Start Me Up, a startup that comes up with ideas for other startups (and is already in debt because they spent a lot of money on the rights to the hit Rolling Stones’ song). Either way, Spicer has a long and storied history with communications and the directing of the aforementioned communications. Chances are he’ll end up in a similar role. Or he could try something different, like:
Hosting a game show called ‘Alternative Facts’
Even though Kellyanne Conway is credited with creating 2017’s hottest phrase, it was Spicer who was out on the front lines day in and day out and essentially lying to keep the heat off the seat. Now imagine that same energy and dodgy spirit hosting a game show where people are presented with questions or prompts and forced to come up with alternative facts. “This person is a cigarette smoking Kenyan Muslim”
“Who is Barack Obama?”
Start selling a line of cooking spices and seasonings
“Spicey Likey!” is one slogan he can go with when he creates his own line of Cajun seasonings and spices. Despite the stereotype that white people never season their food, Sean “the Spice Master” Spicer will bring the heat for each meal just like he brought the heat on the press everyday. Who’s going to keep the press honest? Not Spice Master! He’ll be too busy creating a master blend of herbs and spices to rock your meals to their core!
But let’s be real, he’ll probably just take on another communications director role in politics where he’ll continue pushing an abysmal agenda and lying to save his own ass and the asses of the people he works for. Best of luck, and happy trails Spicey!