By Michael Gallo
Like most Westerners, my process of defecation usually only involves a toilet. But after fellow BL writer Kevin Sheffler returned from Southeast Asia and told wild tales of bum guns and various shower head-type devices used in the “cleaning of shop” so to speak, I was intrigued. Was evacuating one’s waste into a toilet a primitive and outdated model of elimination?
I decided to do a bit of research, which quickly led me to bidets, a bathroom fixture that I had largely ignored for the better part of my life because of its association with the French. But countless positive articles and glowing reviews were produced about the bidet, and thousands of people on the internet can’t be wrong, right? After a difficult process of elimination (not unlike the process of elimination that brought me here in the first place) I finally decided on the Apple iBidet, a “smart bidet, for the smart bidet user.”
My life will never be the same.
If you haven’t tried Apple’s iBidet yet, you need to. With an Apple A10X processor, the iBidet has 30 different settings and functions and users can set up profiles and access individualized settings with their assprint. Maybe you like a 5 on the seat-warming-scale with an oscillating blast for 30 seconds? Save the settings to your profile which will automatically upload to the iCloud for use with other iBidets.
With its WiFi connection, the iBidet allows you to upload photos straight to your Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram and interact with a thriving online community of bidet users. You can also ask Siri her opinion on how to best approach your bum-cleaning regimen. With a one-touch WebMD button, a screen allows you to FaceTime with a doctor who, via iBidet’s dual camera 12 megapixel system, can see any health issues that may arise with your rear end.
The iBidet also boasts a dual speaker system that’s ideal for stereo output. Blast your favorite tunes while you’re blasting your backside.
When it comes to bum maintenance and general hygiene, you have a lot of options, from the analog (detachable shower head, wet wipes, conventional toilet paper) to the digital (Apple’s iBidet and Samsung’s Galaxy GoBidet). But how about one more feature to convince you. With Apple’s iSync, your iBidet can connect with your iWatch, iPhone, iPod Touch, iPad, iMac and Beats headphones for total synergy and bidet optimization. Did you get some swamp ass walking around in the summer heat? Use your iWatch to turn on the cold water in your bidet so it’s ready for when you get home and want to cool off.
There’s really no better option. Get the Apple iBidet today and Think Different™.