By Michael Gallo
Well, looks like that’s it, folks. After some chest-puffing on his own golf course, the leader of the free world all but assured the occurrence of a nuclear holocaust. By my estimation, we have about 2-3 months left before civilization as we know it is destroyed and we find out who REALLY read The Road in high school. But there’s good news. 2-3 months is more than enough time to catch my one-man show, Fire and Fury: The Musical!
With almost effortless deftness, I’ll take the audience on a trip through diplomacy, drama, and mutually assured destruction. You’ll think it’s really Tillerson up there claiming that the U.S. can wipe North Korea off the face of the Earth in 15 minutes, but it will really be me in old-man facial prosthetics that I need to return to McLoughlins Theater Props and Makeup by September 9 (*Mental Note*).
You’ll be pleasantly surprised by my Donald Trump impression, and outright offended by my Kim Jong Un. The Asian American group Media Action Network for Asian Americans (or MANAA) is condemning my show for what they call a “horrific whitewashing and abhorrent use of Yellowface.” To which I say “REARRY?”
Just kidding, I replied to their threats of litigation in a very professional manner. I swear, Asians are more litigious than Jews. I might be digging the hole deeper…
Quick, it’s poll time!
The opening number, called Flukes to Nukes, gives a quick history lesson of the Korean Peninsula and is almost entirely derived from North Korea’s Wikipedia page. It tells the story of Kim Jong Un’s rise to power, the interesting but beautiful relationship he had with his crackpot father, and how they went from an absolute joke to being capable of putting a mini nuclear warhead in an intercontinental ballistic missile.
Next, several song and dance numbers will take you through the history of the Trump family, starting with a fun song called No Blacks Allowed about the early real estate practices of Donald and his father. The musical really hits its climax with Grab Em By the Pussy, a musical ode to Donald getting elected, which precedes a freestyle rap battle between Kim Jong Un (played by myself) and Donald Trump (played by myself, again it’s a one-man play) on Trump’s New Jersey golf course, which I don’t know the name of, but I imagine it’s something like Skid Mark Hills.
Over the course of three hours, Fire and Fury attempts to answer some larger questions like:
“How did we get to this point?”
“Will this really come to all-out nuclear war?”
“Should my final moments be a pious reflection on my life as I prepare to meet my maker, or a carnal exercise in debauchery as I enjoy the last few moments of earthly pleasure?”
Notice, I said “attempts” to answer those questions, because I don’t have ANY of the answers. But the musical does have black people (we see you, Hamilton!). And I know what you’re thinking, “How are there black people in the musical if Michael Gallo is white and it’s a one-man play?”
To which I say “you’ll just have to see it!”
Fire and Fury: the Musical runs from now until my first court date with MANAA which is either August 32nd, or September Eleventeeth. God damn, you’ll have to excuse me, I slipped in the shower and hit my head on all three walls before shattering my shower door with what was left of my fractured skull and now I can’t remember dates for the life of me! Check the Barnyard’s TwittFace for an updated schedule of performances. A few disclaimers:
-Rows 1-4 are the “Splash Zone”, wear a PONCHO and protective goggles.
-Please, no cellphones. The theater, for a few reasons, is going to have increased levels of radiation, and that combined with what your phone is giving off will LITERALLY melt your genitalia.
-Please do not come if you have a peanut allergy.
-If you secretly work for MANAA and see the musical to help them build their case, just give me a courtesy heads up beforehand.
-The program booklet (which is distributed at the door before the show begins, and periodically dropped from the ceiling during the performance) is EXTREMELY flammable. Do not smoke near it or operate a toaster within 11 feet of it.
I think that’s it. I hope you come see the musical and enjoy yourself before the end of days!