By Michael Gallo
American clothing company Under Armour once wisely said “we must protect this house.” And while they were most likely referring to young African Americans protecting a sports venue during a rousing bout of competition, it’s also good advice for your household. We learned a lot of lessons from 2008, but one of them is that you should take good care of your home. After all, a house is still one of the best investments you can make (next to Google stock, or a solid cockfighting venue if you live next to a lot of Filipinos in Little Manila). But that’s not to say the aforementioned maintenance is easy. Something this difficult often generates a fair amount of questions, but luckily, we’re here to answer them.
Q: Can you drink the water that comes out of your dehumidifer?
A: Absolutely, that water is the most potable liquid you’ll find on this planet. When you think about it, the dehumidifer is removing all the toxins and leaving you with nutrient-rich water of the highest purity. In fact, we encourage you to bottle it and sell it in your neighborhood bodega with a considerable markup. Everyone knows the best water comes from the air.
Q: Putting up and taking down Christmas lights is a pain in the ass! What’s the most efficient way to do it?
A: Unfortunately, despite decades of scientific and technological advancement, we still haven’t found a better way to put up Christmas lights than standing on a wobbly ladder and using an overpowered staple gun to secure them to your house. As for taking them down, Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” Which I think is another way of saying that you should tie your Christmas lights together into one long string and then tie that to the bumper of your car and drive off down the street, ripping them off your house almost instantly. To add a fun joke, never come back, and force your kids to grow up without a father.
Q: Do I have to use potting soil for my plants? It’s so expensive!
A: Sure you do, if you’re unwillingly being governed by FASCISTS! Dirt is fucking dirt, and don’t you forget that! Plants are incredibly resilient, as is evident by them having survived the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs, Gucci Mane’s music, centuries of man-made climate change, and the Gulf War. You can use anything to grow plants: rocks, dirt from your neighbors backyard, shredded newspaper, chopped up water bottles, crushed dog bones, human feces, or my absolute favorite, smelted aluminum.
Q: I think there are hardwood floors underneath the carpet in my living room, what’s the best way to remove the carpet and expose that beautiful hardwood?
A: Due to a 2012 court ruling, I’m not legally allowed to use the words “hard” and “wood” together, but ask for forgiveness, not permission, am i right? A buddy of mine, who I’ll call Gizmo for matters of anonymity, tried to remove carpeting from his house two years ago and he ended up going through the floor and his body was never found despite an extensive search with community volunteers and cadaver dogs, who were given a lot of treats to protect them from getting depressed about never finding the body. What’s super mysterious about the whole situation though is that forensic ballistic experts were able to determine the hole was made by an M777 Howitzer Cannon. Now, Crazy Bill Hitchcock lived about two miles away at the time and was notorious for firing off his Howitzer any time the New York Islanders won a hockey game, which is a lot less than you would think.
But they won that day. Anyway, the cops weren’t ever able to connect him to the disappearance of Gizmo, and there was a definite lack of evidence but it really seems like the two are connected. Back to your original question, I don’t know how to remove carpeting.