Obituaries

Brad “Rad Brad” Jennings

Brad “Rad Brad” Jennings went out like he came in: being rad as hell. Born Nov. 25, 1995, Rad Brad made a name for himself in the cutthroat world of internet videos where he became famous for jumping a motorized washing machine over a moving school bus, a stunt which resulted in the amputation of his left foot and what doctors called “early onset natural death”. Considered something of a cocaine enthusiast, Rad Brad lived life to the fullest before his untimely death which was a direct result of his latest video where he took a full blast of juice from a gorilla taser. He is survived by both of his parents, and his brother, Shit Andy, who filmed his videos.

Marshall H. Caldwell

Marshall H. Caldwell, 94, passed away July 2, 2017 at his home near St. Louis, Missouri. Mr. Caldwell was born Aug. 27, 1922 in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma before moving to Tulsa, Oklahoma. After graduating high school he enlisted in the Marines and fought in the Pacific during WWII. Mr. Caldwell had fond memories of “fighting Japs and island-hopping”, taking in the sights while “slowly and methodically eliminating the scourge of the earth”. At one point he found himself in hand-to-hand combat with an “enraged and belligerent mongoloid” and eventually gained the upper hand before crushing the Jap’s skull with a rock (his words not ours). Mr. Caldwell would often tell this story to his terrified grandchildren as their innocence and childlike wonder were destroyed. Mr. Caldwell was known among friends as a laid-back man who enjoyed golf and suffered from night terrors, waking nightmares, and bouts of panicked screaming. He took a shot every year to commemorate the atomic bombing of the Japanese and often lamented the fact that the US didn’t “finish the job”. He will be greatly missed by his family who are admittedly relieved to never have to hear his terrifying stories ever again.

Connie Elizabeth Mitchell

Connie Elizabeth Mitchell, 84, passed away on July 1, 2017 after a lengthy battle with cancer. Born in 1933 during the heart of the Great Depression, Connie lived with 11 brothers and sisters, both of her parents, two uncles, and three aunts in a studio apartment in Brooklyn, NY before moving out at the age of 11 to make it in show business. Known for sleeping her way to several Hollywood gigs, Connie made a real name for her self during USO shows in Korea where she entertained the North Koreans and Soviet troops. A lush of no equal, Connie’s conquests were high in number and the stuff of legend. The city of New York once considered shutting down Fleet Week for fear of Connie spreading an incurable disease among most of the United States Navy, Marines, and Coast Guard. Connie outlived all six of her former husbands, and two of her former female lovers from a period of experimentation. All 16 of her children, and 41 of her grandchildren will be mortified when they read this.

White Fang

White Fang (real name unknown) passed away on July 3, 2017 just months after graduating from the University of Oregon at the age of 78. No one knows his actual birth date, as hospital records claim White Fang wasn’t born he just happened. Notorious among the Eugene, Oregon community, White Fang was a regular fixture at bars and restaurants where he would push a baby doll around in a stroller and claim that aliens regularly administered anal probes to him and his large number of pet lizards. Having been expelled from the University of Oregon on seven separate occasions, White Fang became something of a cult figure on campus through
several #FreeWhiteFang campaigns, two of which garnered national attention after the Oregon National Guard was called in to handle the rambunctious crowd. An avid tambourine player, White Fang was a member of several local bands including the Grill Daddies, Thunder Farts, The Hot Velveeta Experiment, and Dr. Kremlin and the Iron Kotex. He will be missed by the hippie Oregon University students who confused him for a man of wisdom, and the Eugene Police Department who often arrested him to meet their quota.

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